Danny and the Hand Head Jive

If it weren’t so pitiful, it would be hilarious, but day after day, people are given ample ammo to rag Dan Rather three different ways...hard, fast, and continuously...and it’s his own doing, that sets himself up.

You see, Dan Rather talks to Ed Murrow’s ghost. "Ed Murrow's ghost is here. I've seen him and talked to him on the third floor of this building many times late at night. And I can tell you that he's watching over us." You can find that at The Hollywood Reporter.

You can’t make stuff up any better than this. Let’s imagine a conversation with Dan and the late Mr. Ed.

Rather: “Mr. Murrow. Thank you for looking in on me tonight. You know I need a friend at the moment. I’m probably the most misunderstood person on the entire planet. I’m probably as misunderstood as a condom machine in a maternity ward. I can’t seem to...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Shut up, Dan. You’re a twit.”

Rather: “But sir, I was only trying to help our country. I meant no...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Please, Gunga Dan, save it. You’ve done enough, already.”

Rather: “But Mr. Murrow. You’re the only one who really understands me. Not even...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Dan, listen. I’m dead and you’re talking to me. And now you say I’m the only one who understands you? And to beat all, you tell a reporter that you talk to me and see me on the third floor. Dan, I think you’ve been in the Texas sauce a little too much.”

Rather: “But you see, it’s that...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Dan, listen. These cigarettes helped drive the nails in my coffin. But maybe you should give up the booze and start smoking....reefer! It sure as hell wouldn’t hurt you. Not now, anyway.”

Rather: “Mr. Murrow, you know I’ve tried to be a good reporter. Fair and balanced and unfearing, and filled with...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Yea, filled with...courage! Is that what they call it now. Dan, you’re as funny as a puppy with two peters. Stop it...my sides are hurting.”

Rather: “Sorry about that Chief. It won’t...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Rather, remember the night back in ‘86, when you were roughed up by a few people? (Murrow now changes his voice to be a little sinister) What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” (laughing hysterically, and coughing mightily)

Rather: “Say that again, Chief.”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: (still cracking up) “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?”

Rather: “My God, it was you. I can’t...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Yea it was me, Danny Boy. And the three goons weren’t from a rival network. They were all journalists, who worked with you. They hated you Dan...and they hate you now.”

Rather: “Why do they hate me, chief?”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Go back a little while and look at that dumbassed statement you made about Camelot and a mystical kingdom, and King Arthur and the Roundtable. That smells worse than a fresh cow pattie after a Texas thunder shower.”

Rather: “But...but you know what I meant by that. I’m sure you...”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about there, son. And I don’t think you have a clue either. Your problem is you don’t know when to be quiet. People have had it with you. You have no brilliance to dazzle them with, so there’s no need to try and baffle them with bullshit. Simple as that.”

Rather: “Well, I’m sorry to have bothered you, sir. I won't do it again. I promise.”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “I'd appreciate that. I really need to be resting in peace, and not be involved in this insanity. And a little friendly advice before I go. Once you retire, stay the hell away from the public. Find a hobby, do something with yourself, but for the sake of humanity, please stay out of sight. (long pause) And Dan... one other thing.”

Rather: “Yes sir. Anything you say, sir.”

Ghost of Mr. Murrow: “Courage. (laughter trails, as Dan walks away, all alone)