OEJ’s Predictions for 2005

In no special order of importance or occurrence, here tis:

Osama Bin Laden will be found in a Motel 6 in Iran, without his wig and fake beard, and in bed with a midget from Pakistan.

After Bin Laden is found, the authorities will find his camels...all with Kerry/Edwards stickers on them.

Senator Robert Byrd will claim to have found religion and denounce Republicans and the other infidels...the religion being Islam.

Senator Ted Kennedy will be found to be a lobbyist for Chavis Regal...and he’s been drinking up all their profits.
Representative Jerrold Nadler will begin a TV career by starring in Queer Eye for the Fat Guy.

Jesse Jackson will be hospitalized and diagnosed with AG, Anal Glaucoma: meaning, when insisting that he disband the Rainbow Coalition, he replies, “I just can’t see my ass doing that.”

Tom Daschle will find work in TV also. He will become what Peewee Herman once was...whatever that is!

President Bush will take time out from his job to take speech lessons from Jimmy Carter...maybe one can teach the other how to pronounce nuclear.

Blue states are fighting amongst themselves as they try to agree on a more cheesier “bleu”.

Maxine Waters will again prove beyond a shadow of doubt that she is a genius.

Hillary Clinton will start putting together a new Listening but not Hearing tour.

Paris Hilton will become the news anchor of SeeBS, replacing Dan Rather. Like, wouldn’t that be like, really neat, baby?

Katie Couric will get a nose lift, once they can retrieve it from alleged source.

Snow skiing drunk will be a federal offense for politicians.

Attorney General John Ashcroft leaves his job, he will write a book entitled “How I Sent the Price of Duct Tape and Plastic Soaring, and didn’t think to buy stock in Home Depot and Lowes”.

President Bush will leave office early to do a tour of duty in the NASCAR Truck Series, provided he can use his own big truck.

Geraldo Rivera will wear a hockey mask on live TV, while holding a bottle of Tequila in one hand, and a .45 in the other, screaming to “bring it on”, talking to no one in particular.

Ric Flair will make one more tour in the squared circle, with Howard Dean as his valet and spokesman.

Al Gore will move even further south than Tennessee and become the Pastor of a Black church.

Nancy Pelosi will become the poster girl for Iodine bottles.

Fidel Castro will be told by his doctor to give up cigars...he does and will be dead three days later.

Bill Clinton begins to worry immediately after Castro dies.

John Edwards will claim that if the people had elected John Kerry as their President, Castro would be sitting up in his casket begging for a light.

PETA will sue Kraft Foods, stating that their Shake and Bake is unusually cruel to tasty animals.